For many families, the holidays are imagined as a season of warmth, laughter, and togetherness. But for families touched by substance use disorder or early recovery, the holidays can feel anything but joyful. Old wounds are stirred up, amplifying anxiety. The assumption of holiday cheer, seeing it elsewhere, will place unrealistic expectations on people – perhaps you – who may be struggling with the hard work of healing, unable to rise to a level of holiday celebration.
As the co-founder of Gregg’s Gift, supporting the work of eight international organizations on behalf of at-risk and recovering young adults, I’ve spoken with thousands of parents, siblings, partners, and young people themselves. One truth comes up too often: the end of year holidays don’t exactly cause the stress—they reveal it, just below the surface of strained emotion, of people doing their best to hold things together. And when that effort fails, even for a moment, all can seem lost. Yet, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human.
This guide then, is not about creating a perfect holiday. It’s about creating a safer, steadier one—emotionally, logistically, and relationally—for everyone involved in a family dealing with risk or recovery.
First, let’s name the reality: Recovery is not a straight line, and neither is family healing. The holidays can trigger:
* Memories of past crises or losses
* Fear of relapse or disappointment
* Pressure to “act normal” or “be grateful”
* Old family roles snapping back from dormancy
* Financial strain or travel stress
* Exposure to alcohol, substances, or enabling behaviors
If you’re feeling on edge already, that doesn’t mean something bad is about to happen. It means your nervous system remembers what it’s been through. For you, for your family, the goal of the holidays is not celebration at all costs. The goal is safety, dignity, and connection—on whatever scale is realistic this year, at the stage of healing in your home. Here are some emotional tools; we start by regulating expectations and guilt.
- Redefine What “Success” Looks Like: A successful holiday might mean:
*One peaceful meal
* A calm phone call instead of an in-person visit
* Leaving early
* Staying sober
* Not engaging in old arguments
If everyone is emotionally and physically safe at the end of the day, consider this a win.
- Release the Fantasy
Many families hold onto a quiet hope that this holiday cycle will be the turning point; it will deliver the apology, the reunion, the “back to how it used to be” moment. That hope is understandable. It’s also heavy with likely disappointment. Try replacing the fantasy with a gentler, likely achievable intention: “I will meet people where they are, including myself.”
- Expect Mixed Emotions
Joy and grief often coexist during recovery. You can feel proud and scared. Hopeful and exhausted. Loving and resentful. None of these cancel each other out. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling an apparent inconsistent set of emotions. You’re human. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel—without judging it.
- Make a Holiday Plan—Then Make a Backup
Whether you’re hosting or attending, clarity reduces stress. Discuss ahead of time:
* How long the visit will be
* Who will be there
* What substances (if any) will be present
* Where quiet space or exits are
Always ask: What’s our Plan B if someone feels overwhelmed? That might mean:
* A signal to leave
* A pre-booked hotel
* A supportive person on standby
* Permission to cancel last-minute
Plans are not contracts. They are containers for safety.
- Normalize Boundaries Around Alcohol and Substances
This can be one of the hardest conversations—and one of the most important. Boundaries might sound like:
“We’re happy to come if it’s alcohol-free.”
“We’ll stop by earlier in the day.”
“We’ll join for dessert, not the whole event.”
Boundaries are not punishments. They are expressions of care—for everyone involved.
- Shorten the Time Frame
Marathon holiday gatherings create pressure. Shorter gatherings reduce triggers and fatigue. It’s okay to:
* Pop in instead of staying over
* Celebrate on a different day
* Break traditions into smaller pieces
Traditions can evolve. Recovery often requires that they do.
- Choose Connection Over Control
Holidays often tempt families to “use the moment” to fix things—to lecture, interrogate, or revisit the past. Instead of:
“You really scared us last year.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“You owe us honesty.”
Try:
“I’m really glad you’re here.”
“How can we support you this week?”
*“If you need space, just tell us.”
Connection builds trust. Control erodes it.
- Decide in Advance What Topics Are Off-Limits
Not every conversation belongs at the holiday table. You already know what’s right for your family; after all, it’s reasonable for you to set boundaries around:
* Past relapses
* Legal or financial issues
* Therapy or medication details
* Family blame narratives
You can say: “Let’s focus on being together today. We can talk about the rest another time.”
- Use “I” Statements—and Keep Them Short
Stress makes people talk more, not better. When something needs to be said:
* Speak from your experience
* Avoid accusations
* Don’t stack grievances
Here’s an example:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need a break,” is far more effective than: “You always do this and no one listens to me.”
- Build in Recovery Support—On Purpose
Holidays, with assumed festive celebration, gatherings of a different crowd, often disrupt routines that keep recovery stable. Helpful strategies include:
* Attending extra meetings
* Checking in daily with a sponsor or trusted person
* Keeping sleep, meals, and medication consistent
* Scheduling movement or quiet time
Families can help by asking:
“What helps you stay grounded during the holidays?”
And then listening to the answer.
- Have an Exit Plan—and Remove the Shame
Leaving early is not failure. It’s wisdom. Whether someone needs to step outside, take a walk, or go home altogether, the message should be: “Your well-being matters more than appearances.” That message can be lifesaving.
Sometimes, despite best efforts, holidays are simply too raw. That might be the case after a recent relapse, a loss, or early recovery. In those situations, it is okay to:
* Opt out of gatherings
* Create new, quieter rituals
* Volunteer, travel, or rest instead
* Keep celebrations minimal
Healing does not run on a calendar or anyone else’s expectations. You know what’s right for you, for your family.
A Final Word from the Heart
As someone who has dedicated so many years, my life, to supporting young adults and families navigating recovery, I want you to hear this clearly:
You are not alone. You are not weak for struggling. And you are not required to sacrifice emotional safety for tradition.
The holidays will come again. Recovery is built one choice, one boundary, one conversation at a time. If this season feels messy, tender, or incomplete, that does not diminish the progress being made. Sometimes the bravest holiday act is choosing compassion over expectation—and presence over performance.
From our Gregg’s Gift family to yours, may this season bring moments of steadiness, unexpected grace, and the quiet knowledge that healing is happening—even when it doesn’t look festive. And if all you do this holiday is protect the recovery—yours or someone you love—you have done more than enough.